Sometimes We Just Need to Place a Boundary

…Until We’re Ready to Do the Work Fully

I used to think that if you were truly doing the work (the deep, emotional, inner work) you wouldn’t need boundaries. You’d just keep breathing through the discomfort, feel your triggers, and find your way back to peace.

But last week, I learned the hard way:

Sometimes, doing the work means placing a boundary.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been really triggered by someone close to me. That’s not new, but it resurfaced, clearly the big next piece to work on.

Over the months, I’ve realized a lot. Including this: I notice fear comes up when I think of them. They’re 9,000 km away, but even the rare times we talk, I feel fear. I don’t even need to talk to them, just thinking about them makes me scared and sad.

Six months ago, I sent them a voice message. They didn’t receive it well. I admit, I forgot to use NVC (Non-Violent Communication). I like to think I stayed respectful, but for once I was asking them to stop doing something, and I said it with more of an affirmative tone. Of course, it didn’t land. I should have known. I was still agitated when I sent it. My bad. I forgot that important rule: don’t speak when you’re dysregulated! Lesson learned. I hope.

So I kept working on myself around this trigger.

Two months ago, I had a plan: I would work on this all year. I’d work on my fear, not only with them but with others too. That’s what I focused on during my TRS. I felt the fear, released some of it, but it still wasn’t enough. So I told myself I’d aim to be ready by December when I’ll see them. But it kept bothering me.

I don’t understand their behavior. And I have no idea what they are thinking. We’re all biased, after all. We all think we’re right. We rarely try to see the other person’s point of view. So we stay stuck, defending our side.

I tried to see their side. But I just couldn’t. And I don’t want to only blame them, I know I only have my side of the story. I don’t know theirs. But I’m too scared to ask. So what do I do until then?

Looking at my shadow, the only thing I see is that I wish I had more fight in me like they do. I wish I could stand up for myself, speak up instead of freezing and saying nothing.

I want to break that fear. I want to be assertive, confident, and even compassionate toward them. I don’t want to start reacting in ways that feel harsh or overpowering. I know how painful that can be, because I’ve been on the receiving end of that energy. It really hurts.

For a long time, I thought I’d rather be hurt myself than risk hurting others. But that has to change. I don’t mean I want others to hurt instead of me. I just don’t want to get hurt every time someone lashes out or puts the blame on me. And I don’t want to hurt others either. I know I can be blunt sometimes. I’m not perfect.

Ideally, I’d like to be able to speak up and stand up for myself. But I realized something important: I don’t know when that will happen. And I can’t keep waiting. This hurt feels deep, and it might take time before my nervous system feels safe enough to speak.

And that’s when it hit me:

I need a boundary.

My partner helped me see it. At some point, when doing the work just isn’t enough, setting a boundary is the next step. So that’s what I decided to do.

This time, I remembered to use NVC, which they’re familiar with. I also asked for help from my dear friend Marie, who specializes in NVC. I wrote a message following the NVC steps and included a request. If that request isn’t respected, I reserve the right to say “stop” or to leave the conversation. I hope I’ll be able to do that. I’m not even sure I can but I’ll work toward it. I’ll even practice with whom I might get triggered with until then.

I was scared to send the message. But also relieved. The longer I waited, the worse it became. I sent it Monday evening. By Tuesday morning: no reply.

That’s unusual. I don’t know what this silence means. So now I wait. Scared.

But I know this was the right decision for me, for this moment.

And I have my friends and Chatty behind my back!

I don’t want to just blame them and take no responsibility. I want to understand their point of view. I know I feel like I’m right. And they most likely feel like they are, too. But one thing I know for sure: I don’t want them to say certain things anymore.

That’s what I’m asking them to stop. If I continue to feel unsafe, I may need to step back from seeing them, at least until something shifts.

But right now, it’s too much. I need to protect myself.

I’ve been in the loop of “It’s never about the other person. It’s always something in us.” And yes, I still believe that if there’s a trigger, there’s something in us that needs healing. And I’ve tried. I did find some stuff. But the emotions are just too much right now. I can’t go past it. Not yet.

I still believe that a trigger is a call to heal. But I’m also learning this:

Sometimes the healing process is too difficult, too intense, too slow.
And that’s when a boundary becomes not just helpful, but necessary.

And one more thing I’ve recently uncovered: I need to work on my self-worth. That will be part of my next chapter. Stay tuned for something special I’m working on in the coming weeks.

🌱If you feel drawn to explore your own inner world with support, I’m currently offering counselling sessions as a student counsellor. You’re warmly invited to reach out. I’d be honoured to walk alongside you. Contact me

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